
It must have been a week or so before the Dowager’s ball. There was no moment I recorded in any diary, “Eluviesta: Tuesday Afternoon, felt new life where none was before.”
But I was sick as a mabari. From one day to the next, my body revolted. Food brought me nothing but morning misery, and because it seemed to pass quickly I forgot to dwell upon it. Silly, I know. It wasn’t the sickness that eventually snapped its fingers in my face to wake me up, though. Rather, I found my left hand drifting to my belly now and again during the day, for no reason I could think of. Now I think that I must have been daydreaming of Malcolm, knitting together the wretched morning sickness with the image of his face, his fingers, and the times we moved together. Making a fabric out of those silvery threads until I could see the whole of it.
I was standing in the courtyard with the sun on my face, looking up at the tall windows that ran the length of the estate on one side. Thinking of Malcolm sneaking into the linen closet to find me. My hand moved to my stomach, a new instinct I came to understand, and I might have actually muttered Of course when the dazzle of the idea finally shone brightest in my mind.
How did I feel?
I know many languages, child …but in all of them I’ve yet to discover a turn of phrase that rivals the body itself for expressing what I felt.